WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
