My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
