so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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