I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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