Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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