I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
