My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
