And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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