my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
