i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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