I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
