Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
