70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
