I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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