you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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