I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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