remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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