Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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