I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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