just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
