the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
