Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize
