filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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