I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
