Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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