im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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