I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
