genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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