Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
