At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Enjoy the penises
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
