I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
