Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
