I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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