an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I touched a dick in church today
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
