Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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