all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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