yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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