The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
