We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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