so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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