Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
