I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
