dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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