its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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