Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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