your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
