even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
