i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
3 2 1 whiskey
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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