Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
