bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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