I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
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Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
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My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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