Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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