he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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