just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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