Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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