I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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