My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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