he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
