and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
