dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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