I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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